


self love

by queensyther



Category: Archie Comics, Archie Comics & Related Fandoms, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Gen, aro/ace jughead, aroace character, heteronormativity has confused tf outta our boy jughead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10644294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queensyther/pseuds/queensyther
Summary: Jughead was 8 years old when he got his first clue that he wasn't like other kids.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Полюби себя](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12531876) by [lilizwingli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilizwingli/pseuds/lilizwingli)



> this is a short fic i wrote for day 3 of jughead week. the prompt was to write about how i think jughead would have discovered and/or accepted that he is aroace, and thus this was born. hope you enjoy!!

Jughead was 8 years old when he got his first clue that he wasn’t like other kids.

He and his best friend Archie were swinging on the swings on the school playground and Archie was telling him all about his crush on Archie’s other best friend Betty.

“- And you know, me and Betty have been friends for _ever,_ but now I think that I really, y’know, _like_ like her!” Archie was looking over at where Betty herself and a group of girls were playing hopscotch as he talked, an expression of innocent excitement and infatuation lighting up his face.

Jughead followed Archie’s gaze and watched as Betty noticed Archie’s stare and waved at him with a shy smile. Archie waved back enthusiastically before turning to look at Jughead.

“What about you, Juggie? Do _you_ like anyone?”

The question startled him a bit. _Did_ Jughead have a crush on anyone?

He thought about it, and realized that he had no idea what a crush was supposed to feel like. How was it any different from friendly feelings? What made what Archie was feeling for Betty different than what he feels for Jughead?

Jughead gazed up at the sky while he contemplated these questions, kicking his tiny legs in the sand.

Finally, as Archie seemed to be getting impatient enough to say something, Jughead told the truth. “I… don’t know. How do you know you have a crush on Betty?”

Archie looked as taken aback by the question as Jughead had been by Archie’s before recovering and screwing up his face into a thoughtful expression. “Well… I just _know._ I mean, I think she’s really pretty and I wanna hold her hand and talk to her and date her, and I’m always afraid of looking stupid in front of her because I want her to have a crush on me too, y’know?”

Jughead didn’t know. As Jughead listened to Archie’s explanation, he realized that he’s never felt anything like what Archie was describing.

The thought of holding any girl’s hand or going on dates with one like Jughead’s seen on TV was actually grossing him out just thinking about it. And the thought of a girl having a crush on him was… scary.

Jughead didn’t say any of this to Archie, as he didn’t really want to. Jughead understood that getting crushes on girls was something that was considered normal for boys his age and maybe Archie would think he was weird for not understanding it.

“Yeah, um, I get it. I don’t have a crush on anyone right now, though,” Jughead said, going for telling Archie a half-truth instead.

Archie gave him a bright smile. “Don’t worry about it, Jug! There’s tons of pretty girls in our class! You’re sure to get a crush on one if you talk to them, and then I’ll help you get a date with her, ok?”

Jughead nodded and smiled weakly at his friend. This was something that Jughead should want, that will eventually happen to him, that Archie expects will happen for him- so why did the thought of liking a girl that way seem so impossible?

 

... 

 

Jughead was 14 years old when he started to seriously wonder about his sexuality.

Not long after that day on the playground 6 years ago, Jughead had stopped really worrying about crushes and dating. After all, he was just a kid, and wasn’t dating really supposed to be for adults anyway? Jughead had simply come to the conclusion that he would want to be with someone when he was older.

Yet here Jughead was, 14 years old and still wanting abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with romance.

Or sex, for that matter, which seemed to be yet another thing Jughead just didn’t understand that everyone else seemed obsessed with. All the talk of girls and crushes and romance only got worse as Jughead grew older, and now he had to deal with a world that revolved around all that _and_ sex, something that the thought of frankly made him want to puke.

It was especially difficult dealing with this reality when you’re friends with Archie Andrews, probably one of the most girl-crazy people Jughead has ever met. Go figure.

“Jughead, did you _see_ that new girl in class today? I’d heard she was hot, but holy shit!” Archie said as they walked to their next class, falling into step beside Jughead.

Jughead sighed and pinned Archie with an unimpressed look. “Archie, you know I don’t care about that stuff."

Jughead had long since given up pretending to care about or relate to anything Archie said whenever Archie was like this. Which was a lot. It was way too much work to try to be someone else, to lie to everyone including himself about his own feelings. Especially when he’s talking to his best friend.

Usually, Archie would laugh or continue on as if Jughead hadn’t said anything at all, but this time, Archie just looked at him with a weird expression.Jughead was about to say something when abruptly Archie grabbed his arm and pulled him into the boy’s bathroom, shutting the door behind them.

“Archie? What are you…” Jughead trailed off, watching in confusion as Archie checked that there was nobody else in the room before turning to face Jughead, looking uncharacteristically serious.

“Listen, Jughead...  I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

Jughead waited silently, watching as Archie seemed to struggle with his words before heaving a deep sigh and looking at him with determined eyes.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? You’re my best friend, no matter what, and I just want you to know that… that that’ll never change.”

“Archie… what is this about?” Jughead was getting seriously concerned now. What was making Archie so serious all of a sudden?

“Jughead. Are you gay?”

Jughead stared blankly. What kind of question was that? That’s ridiculous, Jughead didn’t like _guys_ , he liked-

Except Jughead couldn’t recall ever liking any girls. Not once has he thought of a girl the way Archie always seems to, has never really liked the idea of romance for himself. Could it be possible that it’s because he would rather be with a boy?

This idea made him more confused than he’s ever felt before. How had Jughead never considered that maybe he’s not interested in girls because he’s actually interested in boys?

“... Jughead? Hey, are you ok, man?” Archie’s voice penetrated Jughead’s thoughts and startled him back to reality, where Archie was frowning at him worriedly and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“You know you can tell me anything, dude. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and, y’know, I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me if you are,” Archie said.

Jughead shook his head. “Archie, I… I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never thought about it before.”

“Hey, man, take your time. I’ll be here for you when you figure it out.”

Jughead’s heart swelled with affection for his friend and he managed a smile. “I know that, Arch. Now let’s just get to class. If I’m late again then it’ll land me in detention.”

Archie nodded and grinned at him before opening the door and leading the way out towards the biology classroom.

Only later on, after the school day was over and Jughead was at home and alone in his room, did he have time to think over what Archie had said and whether or not it could be accurate.

Jughead thought about it. He tried to imagine himself getting nervous around a boy because of a crush, wanting to hold a boy’s hand, dating one, kissing one, even tried to imagine himself being intimate with one, but-

Nothing. Jughead tried his hardest to feel anything at these thoughts and he just. Didn’t. The thoughts were even starting to make him feel uncomfortable and he wanted to stop, but no, that can’t be right, they weren’t supposed to make him feel uncomfortable. That was how forcing fantasies of girls made him feel, so what could it possibly mean when he felt the same way when his thoughts were about boys? When he felt equally resistant at the thought of being with either in a romantic or sexual way?

Again, it occurred to Jughead that he didn’t know how crushes were supposed to feel, what being in love was supposed to feel like. That feeling before, when Archie had shown genuine concern and love and support for Jughead and Jughead had felt a bit like his chest was going to burst from that feeling of knowing that Archie cares for him and is and always has been an amazing friend- was _that_ romantic attraction? Did Jughead have a crush on Archie?

Jughead tried to imagine dating Archie and immediately gave up, snorting at the very thought. Yeah, no, Jughead loved Archie, but not in that way… right?

Jughead groaned in frustration and buried his face into a pillow. How was he to know if he doesn’t know what crushes feel like? Jughead didn’t think he had a crush on Archie, but how could he know for sure? He really hoped he didn’t. Imagine having a crush on your straight best friend. That would _suck._

Jughead sighed and got up to fetch his laptop. It seemed he needed to do a little research.

After about a half hour of google searching, Jughead came to the conclusion that no, he did not have a crush on his best friend, which was simultaneously a huge relief and somehow a bit of a disappointment.

It’s not that Jughead _wanted_ to have a crush on Archie, but the fact that he didn’t only sent him right back to square one.

It’s not like it was possible to just. Not be attracted to anyone. Jughead had never in his life met anyone or heard of anyone feeling the way he does. So… was there something wrong with him?

Instead of continuing on down that train of thought, Jughead decided to once again enlist the help of his good friend Google.

He brought up the search bar and typed, “is it possible to not feel sexual attraction?”.

He pressed enter and the very first link that popped up caught his eye, a website called asexuality.org. Jughead clicked on it and began reading.

So. Asexuality is a term for people who don’t feel sexual attraction, and asexual people can range from being either straight up repulsed by sex and the thought of it to choosing to have sex for the physical pleasure or to pleasure their partner or just to have kids or any number of reasons. The more Jughead read about it, the more Jughead realized that, yeah, this is definitely what he is.

The information available also told Jughead that there are asexuals who feel romantic attraction, who desire to be in relationships, and those who don’t, called “aromantic asexuals”.

Putting a name to what Jughead now knew he was, that he knew he had to be, and knowing that there were others out there just like him made Jughead feel more confident and sure of himself than he ever had before. Jughead researched for hours, reading almost everything the website had to offer and then branching out and reading stories from actual asexual people, actual aromantic asexual people, describing experiences that Jughead related to so much that it made him feel exceedingly giddy.

Sure, Jughead hadn’t really been shy about not wanting girls the way the other boys in his class do for a long time, but that didn’t mean that Jughead never wondered why he was different, wondered when he would start liking girls, as if it was something that was inevitable, that was definitely going to happen eventually.

But now, Jughead knew that it wasn’t going to happen, most likely never would, and he was ok with that. All he’s ever really wanted was to know for sure who he was and to be confident about it no matter who he turned out to be, and finally knowing that it’s an actual _thing_ to not be attracted to anyone in any way and knowing that it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him was… _invigorating._

Jughead refuses to pretend to be someone he isn’t, and being the odd one out among his peers wasn’t going to change that. He isn’t going to hide who he is- he isn’t going to pretend he is anything other than an aromantic, sex-repulsed asexual person, because that’s who he is, and Jughead Jones doesn’t care about what other people think- all he wants is to continue being his laid-back, life loving self, and no matter how hard it gets he won’t let himself lose sight of that kind of life for himself.

After all, what life is worth living if you don’t love who you are and fuck what anyone else thinks? Not one worth living at all, Jughead thinks, and with that thought, heads out to talk Archie into buying him a burger at Pop’s.


End file.
